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Category: Be inspired (page 1 of 2)

Posts on encouragement and inspiration.

Motherhood and Mothering

There is a difference between motherhood and mothering.

Motherhood can be defined as the state of being a mother and having the ‘qualities’ of a mother. Mothering, on the other hand, can be defined as the nurturing and raising of a child by a mother – in the way she desires, that suits her and her child.

Mothering is not defined by any quality, or whatever set standard; the woman defines that standard for herself and her child in a healthy way that she deems fit. Motherhood is patriarchal, while mothering is liberating. Motherhood can be burdensome, while mothering can be easier, eye opening and enjoyable.
My experience with motherhood was when I was pregnant with my second child; my son was not yet 2 years old and had to keep going to school. My husband said, Jumoke let this guy stay at home. I am not always around due to work related issues, please save yourself the stress of going that far with a pregnancy and pushing a buggy all about the place. Continue reading

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Inertia

Let me tell you something about Inertia,

Inertia can be defined as the tendency to do nothing or remain unchanged.

It is a state that usually creeps in on us particularly when we see a task as daunting, or after we just acquired a huge feat, and trying to get into another task before us.
It is state that keeps one in a state of helplessness and joblessness, particularly when you need to get up and keep moving. Continue reading

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The mommy wars

We have allowed society to pitch women against one another by tagging the career devoted mother a nonchalant mother who is more career devoted and tagging the family devoted mom a lazy woman who is not career oriented. The media created this form of dichotomy between women which is tagged the mommy wars. A group of family therapists actually wrote a book titled deconstructing the mommy wars : The battle over the best mom, it is a culture of mother blame and women have bought into it tearing each other apart over who is a better and a complete woman and mother rather than unite and talk about issues that affects us all.
Issues like gender roles and the adverse effect it has on good parenting which could later lead to child abuse.
Women who tilt towards career than their family are being looked at like nonchalant  mothers who do not care for the well being of their children. Some stay at home mothers look at them with disdain and find a way to prod them and make them feel guilty. On the other hand stay at home moms are being looked at with so much disregard and disdain for daring not to be career oriented.
This article is focusing  more on the stay at home mom………..
Let me tell you something, every woman is on a journey, and I know that most women who became a stay at home mother never imagined they would find themselves in such a state without a career. However rather than encourage this women, they have become an object of public ridicule. We call them lazy women, we call them jobless, we boo this women and tell them they deserve every form of ill treatment they get in their marriages. The stay at home mom who also just earned her first #5000 also joins the team of people who boo the stay at home non earning mother and looks at her with disdain. This sort of women forget that they once walked  that path of being a stay at home none earning mom. They feel superior now and uses all sorts of derogatory words to describe a stay at home none earning mother.
Do you know how confused some stay at home mothers are?
Do you know some of these women actually shed tears over their state of joblessness?
Do you know that some of them looked for jobs without finding one?
Do you know it is more difficult for a stay at home mother to secure a job, especially in a country such as Nigeria where some companies are looking for quick profit and would rather go for an unmarried lady?
Do you know some stay at home mothers want to even begin a business but they are not able to raise even #5000 to begin that business because they are in a marriage where every penny is being accounted for to their husbands?
Do you know that some of these women were forcefully bullied to quit their jobs because of their husbands and insecurity issues?
Do you know that life happened to some women, they lost their jobs and get so sucked in motherhood that they are trying to find a way to build a career and also balance their devotion to their families?
Do you also know that the decision of a woman to quit her job to stay with her family in order to be family devoted most especially when her kids are still small is her choice and it’s valid?
The list of the journey of a stay at home mother is endless, every woman with her story and her pain, we need to be careful how we call women misfits and lazy because they are stay at home mothers. You do not know how much pain you add to the heart of a woman who is honestly finding her way out of joblessness.
Dear stay at home none earning mom, this too shall pass ok, you will rise above this and find your own niche, it is only a matter of time if you don’t stop striving.
PS: This is not an excerpt from Motherhood and the Society, rather it is an addendum. If you want to read more about this article, and see a bit into my own journey as a stay at home mom,  please get a copy of Motherhood and the Society, chapter 7 speaks deeper about this with my true life experience. You can order your copy from amazon for those in diaspora and you can order here for those in Nigeria
Image credit:  pinterest.com and nytimes.com respectively

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Claustrophobia the devil (The final saga)

I am sorry dear friends for bringing this late contrary to my promise, please come with me and let’s  go on the ride of the final saga lol, you can find the link to part 1 and 2 here respectively HERE and HERE

My most terrifying experience with travelling by flight happened in 2013. I was travelling to Europe with a Lufthansa flight. I was elated because I have heard good things about Luftansa so I was prepared to thoroughly enjoy my flight. On boarding the flight, there were two hefty men at the two different aisle. They were not part of the crew, so I was wondering who they were. I asked around and someone said they were security agent placed inside the plane to ensure security, and “I am like which one is this again?” (what Is this) Well I shrugged it off and sought to enjoy the flight. Continue reading

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Dreams, Aspirations and Support.

Let me tell you something about dreams, aspirations and support.

You see, you need to understand that your dream is conceived, nurtured, and the drive to establish it is on you and you alone. The moment you begin to plan around and depend on people on a dream you are nurturing, and that they will help you propagate or establish it then you are putting yourself in jeopardy. You need to understand that no one owes you anything, be it to help you realise or achieve your dreams. The moment they don’t support your aspirations then you have no right to begrudge them.

I understand that as humans, we tend to rely on people a lot, we most times have this entitlement mentality, and most times we would have even calculated at the back end of our minds how this and this person would be a huge pillar of support, then when we realise that they are not even acting as if they saw us trying to establish our dreams then we get hurt, depressed and sometimes angry. It is normal to feel that way at times, but you need to snap out of it real quick and get over that feeling lest your dreams and aspirations begin to sink.

When I just started blogging, I  was so uncomfortable at putting my introverted self out there but I was so excited that at last I would be able channel my passion for writing into affecting lives positively.

I had concluded in my mind how much people would support me. I started and just few people whom I will never forget their solidarity stood constantly by me. There were some people I had banked on because of my consistent support for them in whatever they do, who never even looked at my side or acted as if they saw that I had started something new. I mean my rationalizing heart excused them initially and concluded that maybe they didn’t see, but they never acknowledged what I was doing nor utter a word of support or encouragement, rather some of these people would do a counter post or article on what I had written,  I was a bit disappointed and I wondered why they were acting that way, but I called myself to order, talked to myself to stop feeling entitled to their solidarity and support, they owe me NOTHING, so I stopped looking at their sides and withdrew myself from all sorts of negativity. And one beautiful thing I learnt and still learning is that you make lots of progress when you distance yourself from all sorts of negativity that could affect your psyche.

I discovered that no matter how supportive you are of some people, be it by your encouragement and constant solidarity when they began a new project, doesn’t mean they will show you the same solidarity when it’s your turn. Some people  love to be the only ones doing something worthwhile, while others close to them and around them are lost and without a sense of direction.  It gives them this feeling of grandiose delusion. Once you aspire from being their fans and supporter to becoming a person of your own who also has a similar vision,or once they notice you also have a similar vision to theirs, or even have a vision at all and are very passionate about it,  they get threatened and resentful, and no matter how all the world cheers you on and supports you, they will never ever acknowledge you even if your work is staring them right in the face.

You need to also understand that it’s very beautiful to support those who support you, so far your dreams align, even if it does not, so far their dreams are not evil or against your believes, it’s OK to support them. That is the beautiful thing to do, and this is like a balm to the heart of the recipient of your support.

It’s also very OK not to support those who do not support you. Some people might term this as arrogance, but I see it as self preservation. Why do you have to keep showing support for someone who does not support nor acknowledge you or your aspirations? Why do you want to continuously torture yourself just to prove you are the bigger person while you hurt real bad?  Unless you have gotten to a point where you are dead to negative feelings, a point where things don’t bother you anymore, not even a slightest bit, then it’s fine if you keep supporting those who do not support you. But if you are a sensitive being and you pick up vibes, most especially the ones directed at you easily then you need to stop supporting those who do not support you. This does not mean you have to begrudge them, on the other hand, this helps you not to begrudge them, and it distances you from every form of negative feelings towards them and also makes you focused on your dreams and aspirations without distractions.

You also need to understand that it’s fine to support those who do not support you. Sometimes you get blown away by their knowledge, or by what they are doing, and you just can’t help but acknowledge them, go ahead and acknowledge them, it’s a sign of maturity on your side, and it means gradually you are overcoming any form of negativity or distractions people might exhibit in other to hurt you.

Finally understand that for you to get to where you desire in life,for your dreams to become a reality, you have to constantly and consciously distance yourself from every form of negativity at all times. You have to do away from anything that could create bitterness in your heart and stall your dreams. You have to understand that the world is big, so big and it does not revolve around you, you are just a tiny little bit in it, so you might not even be heard or seen for a long while,  but you have to keep striving to carve your own nitch.  Only then would no one put you aside, write you off nor overlook you. This usually does not happen over night, most times it takes a very long time, but I assure you that with your consistence and hard work, your dreams will come to fruition and to your amazement you will get there.quotescover-jpg-25

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Who is going to pray for her?

Right from when I was a young girl I had this uncomfortable feeling whenever I go for weddings and I hear the new wife being thoroughly admonished on how she must be a good and a praying wife for her husband and how that is the only thing that can make her marriage work. Listening to these messages created an aversion in my spirit against marriage back then.

I began to wonder why men were given a pass as regards praying for their families, I began to wonder why place such a huge burden on a young woman and excuse the man? I began to wonder why allow a new fresh bride metamorphose  into a shrew just because she feels the whole world of the survival of her marriage rests on her shoulders?  I was always depressed after each marriage ceremony I attended, the patriarchy being reeled out from the altar usually drained me of all energy, I only get lifted afterwards by the sumptuous “jollof rice” and the jollification of the reception lol.

In my journey through spinsterhood, marital proposals came but I couldn’t settle, something was always off, there was one particular one decked with the promise of care, love, devotion,glitz and glamour. He was even very religious but I couldn’t settle, something didn’t quite connect in my spirit, almost everyone around me thought I was mad, and that I had missed a rare opportunity.

Little did I know in my subconscious I was looking for a man who was not a pretentious christian, a man who does not have the slightest feeling that a woman was beneath him and has to wait on him hands and feet.  I didn’t understand this myself, I just knew when my husband came, I was swept off my feet without any doubt or waste of time.

In the African society, a huge responsibility lies on a woman in  marriage, women are expected to keep and maintain the home, women are to have regular sex with their husbands anyhow or  anywhere he wants it,lest he becomes a cheat ( as if the man is a baby without self control) even if the woman is sick some people would still quote the scripture of how she has no authority over her body, and how she shouldn’t have denied her husband, when I hear things like this I stop to wonder where our humanity is, as Africans.

I digress, the other day, a man told me he does not believe in taking his wife on outings. He said the woman’s place was to stay at home and PRAY for her husband.  I was like, excuse me, pray for you while you gallivant around town believing your wife is praying you out of STD’s, accidents or whatever evil could befall an irresponsible night crawling man? Why are women so burdened? What kind of mentality is this? Who did this to some of our men  and even women? I sighed and just concluded some women are also guilty of  aiding and abetting a man to the point of death. They are so scared of their husbands that they can’t caution him when he’s on a destructive path. All they do is pray pray pray till the man ends up harming himself through his careless life style and thereby bringing doom to the family. Do not get me wrong, prayers are good, very very good, but woman, know when to draw the line, know when to go into action, know when to be firm and say NO to anything that can bring harm to your family.

While we are on the subject, women conceive and give birth to life, we are expected to nurture and care for these kids, going through the rigors of training them with little or no input from the typical African man, after all if the child turns out bad it is your headache as a mother!  Women must manage all these, coupled with having a career  and being a help meet to your husband, and like some people would say, “a humble maid to her husband”, and to cap it all she must be a prayer warrior to keep her home.  Let me tell you something friends, a woman has a lot to deal with, we have so much to process externally and internally and there are times we want to disappear  from it all. We get tired of being wives and mothers at times that we want to disappear into a cocoon never to be found again, our lives get so disorganized at times that we want to just quit and go back to the times of spinsterhood where we had no one to care for, aside ourselves.

We get so swamped with love and emotions for our families that we begin to wonder why we had to start a family to incur such raw and deep emotions.  We get so tired of our daily routine of hustle and bustle in and outside the home that we just want to put our feet up and watch everything slide. I am an introvert, and this is how I feel at times, and even more, there are times I shut down from the whole world and just move through each day like a zombie.  Despite all these feelings at times, there is a joy that bursts forth within me and I find that energy to keep moving and enjoying life and what God has given me once again, what is the source of this?  A praying and a supportive husband, if  I am left to do all the praying alone, I would have caved or bowed to pressure or just become resentful of my family and life in general.

Dear christian men, do not leave the duty of praying for your marriage only on your wives, infact you have a greater role to play please, women go through a lot of internal and physical changes that affects our moods and outlook, it is only your prayers, and your position as being supportive and prayerful, constantly interceding for us that will make us amenable, sweeter, comelier, homelier and to cap it all a better wife and woman who would achieve all her potentials and make you and herself proud of what she has become.
Dear Christian sister, do not marry a man who cannot pray for himself not to talk of you and your children when you get married, listen to him speak as regards praying for the home, runaway from any potential suitor that believes that it is your sole responsibility as a woman to pray for your home!  I tell you there are days as a wife that you would not be able to muster the energy to pray, what becomes of you then as a christian? Of course the marriage begins to spiral into a deep end of unending issues. The list of the disaster that can occur being married to a non praying man as a christian is endless.

You are not a machine sister, do not brain wash yourself into settling, do not think you can manage it anyhow and rough it, the reality of marriage is greater than any calculation you have made or are making, be watchful and be wise please.

Have a lovely week ahead.

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Understanding Post Natal Depression for a Nigerian Mother.

Postnatal depression as defined by Oxford Living Dictionary can be defined as the:

“Depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue”

Postnatal depression is very common amongst new moms, but due to the kind of society we are, and live in, we tend to cover up a whole lot of things by putting up a brave face.

The arrival of a new born should bring joy and happiness into a home, but sadly in most Nigerian marriages, this usually becomes the season of family duels.     Continue reading

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IT’S OK TO SAY NO! WRITTEN BY IBUKUN MO BRIDALS KOMOLAFE

Freedom is beautiful. A little mistake can take away that beauty.

Let me tell you a story:
I met an eloquent young lady in her twenties. She is brilliant, smart and deeply detailed. But how much expression can she give to these qualities from a prison? Continue reading

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Today’s Woman-Article written by Oluwatoyin Aremu.

Who exactly is a woman, is she really a weaker vessel as generally said? The society has somehow made many women forget how treasured they are simply because they are described as being a weaker vessel. Weaker vessel in the context of 1Pet. 3:7 does not mean intellectual weakness, physical weakness, or spiritual weakness I must say.  It only means women are wired more emotionally than the men, and they long for care, Deborah in Judges 4 was a woman and she led Israel for 40 years even going to battle front; Mary Slessor was also a woman, I am also a woman by His grace. Continue reading

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Today’s Woman by Kehinde Familoni-Faleye

My name is Kehinde Familoni-Faleye, wife of Oluwadare Faleye, mother of A&A, two beautiful damsels.

I AM TODAYS WOMAN.

My slogan is I AM Number 1….. Setting the pace and striking a balance

Making your beautiful self number 1 made no sense to me while growing up, I rather thought not putting yourself first is the height of selflessness and the best practice for a good woman and a dutiful wife in making, I wished my mama had modeled it more for me to understand (God bless and keep her) I have asked myself many times why the church teachings was not balanced on it, I wonder why our society frowns when a woman is to be number 1. Continue reading

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