Right from when I was a young girl I had this uncomfortable feeling whenever I go for weddings and I hear the new wife being thoroughly admonished on how she must be a good and a praying wife for her husband and how that is the only thing that can make her marriage work. Listening to these messages created an aversion in my spirit against marriage back then.
I began to wonder why men were given a pass as regards praying for their families, I began to wonder why place such a huge burden on a young woman and excuse the man? I began to wonder why allow a new fresh bride metamorphose into a shrew just because she feels the whole world of the survival of her marriage rests on her shoulders? I was always depressed after each marriage ceremony I attended, the patriarchy being reeled out from the altar usually drained me of all energy, I only get lifted afterwards by the sumptuous “jollof rice” and the jollification of the reception lol.
In my journey through spinsterhood, marital proposals came but I couldn’t settle, something was always off, there was one particular one decked with the promise of care, love, devotion,glitz and glamour. He was even very religious but I couldn’t settle, something didn’t quite connect in my spirit, almost everyone around me thought I was mad, and that I had missed a rare opportunity.
Little did I know in my subconscious I was looking for a man who was not a pretentious christian, a man who does not have the slightest feeling that a woman was beneath him and has to wait on him hands and feet. I didn’t understand this myself, I just knew when my husband came, I was swept off my feet without any doubt or waste of time.
In the African society, a huge responsibility lies on a woman in marriage, women are expected to keep and maintain the home, women are to have regular sex with their husbands anyhow or anywhere he wants it,lest he becomes a cheat ( as if the man is a baby without self control) even if the woman is sick some people would still quote the scripture of how she has no authority over her body, and how she shouldn’t have denied her husband, when I hear things like this I stop to wonder where our humanity is, as Africans.
I digress, the other day, a man told me he does not believe in taking his wife on outings. He said the woman’s place was to stay at home and PRAY for her husband. I was like, excuse me, pray for you while you gallivant around town believing your wife is praying you out of STD’s, accidents or whatever evil could befall an irresponsible night crawling man? Why are women so burdened? What kind of mentality is this? Who did this to some of our men and even women? I sighed and just concluded some women are also guilty of aiding and abetting a man to the point of death. They are so scared of their husbands that they can’t caution him when he’s on a destructive path. All they do is pray pray pray till the man ends up harming himself through his careless life style and thereby bringing doom to the family. Do not get me wrong, prayers are good, very very good, but woman, know when to draw the line, know when to go into action, know when to be firm and say NO to anything that can bring harm to your family.
While we are on the subject, women conceive and give birth to life, we are expected to nurture and care for these kids, going through the rigors of training them with little or no input from the typical African man, after all if the child turns out bad it is your headache as a mother! Women must manage all these, coupled with having a career and being a help meet to your husband, and like some people would say, “a humble maid to her husband”, and to cap it all she must be a prayer warrior to keep her home. Let me tell you something friends, a woman has a lot to deal with, we have so much to process externally and internally and there are times we want to disappear from it all. We get tired of being wives and mothers at times that we want to disappear into a cocoon never to be found again, our lives get so disorganized at times that we want to just quit and go back to the times of spinsterhood where we had no one to care for, aside ourselves.
We get so swamped with love and emotions for our families that we begin to wonder why we had to start a family to incur such raw and deep emotions. We get so tired of our daily routine of hustle and bustle in and outside the home that we just want to put our feet up and watch everything slide. I am an introvert, and this is how I feel at times, and even more, there are times I shut down from the whole world and just move through each day like a zombie. Despite all these feelings at times, there is a joy that bursts forth within me and I find that energy to keep moving and enjoying life and what God has given me once again, what is the source of this? A praying and a supportive husband, if I am left to do all the praying alone, I would have caved or bowed to pressure or just become resentful of my family and life in general.
Dear christian men, do not leave the duty of praying for your marriage only on your wives, infact you have a greater role to play please, women go through a lot of internal and physical changes that affects our moods and outlook, it is only your prayers, and your position as being supportive and prayerful, constantly interceding for us that will make us amenable, sweeter, comelier, homelier and to cap it all a better wife and woman who would achieve all her potentials and make you and herself proud of what she has become.
Dear Christian sister, do not marry a man who cannot pray for himself not to talk of you and your children when you get married, listen to him speak as regards praying for the home, runaway from any potential suitor that believes that it is your sole responsibility as a woman to pray for your home! I tell you there are days as a wife that you would not be able to muster the energy to pray, what becomes of you then as a christian? Of course the marriage begins to spiral into a deep end of unending issues. The list of the disaster that can occur being married to a non praying man as a christian is endless.
You are not a machine sister, do not brain wash yourself into settling, do not think you can manage it anyhow and rough it, the reality of marriage is greater than any calculation you have made or are making, be watchful and be wise please.
Have a lovely week ahead.